‘Mangi Mel ni Benn Supp ci Cin’ – The Truths About Site Guilt, and Living in the Developing World

This Wolof saying is perfect for describing my life over the last month and a half. The saying means “I am like one bean in a pot of boiling water.” With a little imagination, one can picture what one bean in a pot of boiling water would look like. Bouncing from one side to the other, up and down, never staying in one place.

In the last Month I have been to 5 regions of Senegal, participated in two summits/trainings, vacationed with my wonderful sister, held a training about the ins and outs of raising chickens, and spent long days in site working on multiple different projects. Needless to say, the last month and a half has gone by very quickly!

In the Peace Crops community we have a phrase that we use quite often to describe the way we feel when out of village for PC events, or even vacation. “Site guilt”. Basically self-explanatory, site guilt is the feeling of guilt that volunteers feel when out of site frequently or for an extended period of time for work, or for play. It can also come in the form of just feeling bad for your ability to escape the real world and watch an episode of Grey’s every now and then.

I experience site guilt quite often in the form of thinking I am not doing enough. Working in a developing country is hard because you see all these issues that need fixing, but you have literally no way of fixing them. As Peace Corps Volunteers we are not able to ride up on a white horse and fix all of the problems in our communities. We take small steps, and a lot of times, those small steps don’t seem like enough for us.

It can be very hard to find where you fit within the community. As I have said in previous blog posts, two years is not a very long time. It feels like it at the time, but in order to really make a technical difference and improve the lives of people, two years is nothing. Development takes time, a lot of time. I, as a sustainable agriculture volunteer, can teach a technique for two years that I think is beneficial. However, if the importance of that technique is not realized, as soon as I leave, those people could easily stop using it. Because of this, many volunteers, including myself, have trouble realizing what impact we are really having in our communities.

If I can be so bold, that just sucks. Most days in my village are an internal struggle. Telling myself I am not doing enough, and that I need to try harder. The issue is figuring out how and what to do. Being an agriculture volunteer living in a desert, dry season is a struggle. There is not a lot of ag work to be done, so many days feel lazy and unproductive. I tried to assist one of the women’s groups in my village to have a dry season garden, but a combination of poor fence quality..i.e. goats, and the hot sun made their garden unproductive. This was very discouraging for me and makes me long for the rainy season when things will be green and vegetable production will be possible.

In times like these I try to remember the many positive things that I have experienced in my community and in my service as a whole. Things like sharing culture through holidays, food, birthdays, and every day activities, to just playing with children and being reminded that sometimes you just have to forget about the stress of your life and kick a ball around. Evenings spent wandering into the bush watching the sunset or just getting a few quiet moments away to appreciate the beauty around me. Joking and hysterically laughing with my host sister, or my Senegalese friends and realizing that 8 months ago I didn’t speak a word of this language. Meeting so many amazing fellow volunteers that share similar goals and have similar experiences. All of these things remind me why I am here and how I can continue to go about my service and feel accomplished and above all, happy.

In the last 30 days I have had an ag summit in Tambacounda, had an amazing vacation with my wonderful sister, made great progress on projects in village, and participated in a media network training that was very enlightening. Ohh, and I gained a new nephew!! So this last month and some day has been crazy,but these are a few great things that came out of it!

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

It’s Time to be Happy

Ever wish you had a map telling you how you should feel at a certain time in your life? Become a Peace Corps Volunteer and you’ll get just that. A two year and three month guide to your emotions written out for the world to see. 

Want to know what I first thought when I saw this? “What a load of crap.” How could someone tell me how I am supposed to feel? And then beyond that, give detailed reasons why I would feel that way? How do you even know?! If I were to make my own chart it would look a little different.

First of all, 0-2 months would look like a seismograph reading for a 10.0 earthquake. Those first 2 months were so up and down for me I didn’t know what to feel hour to hour let alone day to day. Skipping forward two years, when I first got here I could not imagine being depressed about going back to America. They have Taco Bell and laundry detergent that smells good.

Despite my immediate disdain, I can’t disprove the chart just yet. After all I am only 6 months in…mini party in my head as I say that… and I can relate to some of it’s content. But the thing about feelings is, no one can tell another person how they are supposed to feel. Past and current experiences, future plans and goals, everything we have been through up to this very moment in  our lives has built up to how we are feeling in this instant. Happiness does not come because a chart says it should. Happiness, like many other emotions, is decided. Every day we wake up, we have to choose to be happy. This can be especially difficult as a PCV where any number of cultural misunderstandings or something going on back in America could easily plummet us into the ‘vulnerable’ category. Whether that be pushing us into depression or immense anger, every day is a choice.

An old boss, spiritual leader, mentor, and friend used to quote Chuck Swindoll on the reg when I worked as a counselor at Camp Cotubic.

“Attitude is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, money, circumstances, than failures and success, than what other people think, say, or do. It is more important than appearance, ability, or skill. It will make or break a business, a home, a friendship, an organization. The remarkable thing is I have a choice every day of what my attitude will be. I cannot change my past. I cannot change the actions of others. I cannot change the inevitable. The only thing I can change is attitude. Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.”

He would say this, then make us promise that we would never forget it. Well it worked Scott because here I sit, under the hot African sun, remembering those words once again. Sidebar – everybody send some good vibes out to Bellefontaine Ohio where CC is preparing for yet another summer of changing lives.

We don’t have a ton of control over the things that happen to us. But we can choose how we react to them. We can choose to be happy. Of course there are things that encourage happiness. For people struggling with depression or anxiety, or both, these things can be pretty difficult to find. Luckily I am not short on things to make me happy.

The people back in America who put up with me texting them at crazy times of the day and night because the time change is weird, they are the real rock-stars (and you know who you are). All of the encouraging packages, cards, Facebook comments, google voice messages, Instagram likes, and blog views always help. Peace Corps friends who will talk on the phone about the same issues every week but don’t mind. Props to Peace Corps for giving us free calling to other volunteers..I probably take advantage of that too much. And of course, the people in village that make this experience so worthwhile.

These last two months in Senegal have been so filled with happiness. From spending time with friends at IST to spending a month at site continuing to learn and get started on projects, I can happily say that I have been genuinely happy! So without further adieu, I present to you a montage of some of the faces that bring me happiness on a daily basis. hopefully they can bring you some happiness as well!

My Niece Fatu and her Uncle..Look about the same age don’t they? Welcome the the Senegalese family!

My cousin Sainabou and I, J-cheesin. This kid is a spitfire..just like her mother! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ali and Tee! Ali is my cousin, and Tee is my niece (though everyone calls her my child). So precious.

 

This is Yassine, my sister in law’s little sister. She does a lot around the compound and loves to come color in my room! She was very shy around me at first, but is now very open and I enjoy spending time with her. 

My ‘father’ and complete pain in my butt. They call him my father because he was named after him. He likes to hit me, but screams when I try to grab him..Hilarious

This is the bride of a wedding that I attended in my village. This photo was taken after she thanked me for coming to her wedding, and sprayed me with body spray..did I smell that bad?!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My beautiful second mother (middle) and our neighbor posing for a photo after we cut literally hundreds of onions for a wedding!

 

One of my good friends daughters…you can’t tell in this picture, but she usually doesn’t come near me. Finally let me hold her that day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is Pa Modou. He is hilarious, and so dang cute..but not a good role model for my little brother Ousman..they get in a lot of trouble together!

Some girls from the village that I met while on a run in the bush..They were collecting firewood for their mothers and asked me to take a photo. Every time I see them now they ask to see this photo!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Two of my siblings posing for a picture in their matching shirts! Fanta is quickly becoming a very close friend of mine, she loves to braid my hair.

 

Pinatas exist in Senegal! Only here they don’t involve candy, but rather hitting your older brother with a stick as he hangs out of a mango tree.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For big events women in a family will often get matching outfits. My family got these beautiful completes made for the recent wedding in our village!

Madam and Ali..Ali is definitely too old to be carried around like this, but Madam loves him so much she will do anything for him!

Yakhanna, my sister in law, and according to Senegalese custom, my wife! She cooks half of my meals for me, and makes sure I am taken care of. She also likes to have foot races to the boutique or the well!

 

My eldest cousin, and a total boss. He works so hard in school and in the fields. He is also a boss at soccer.

Yassine and Yakhanna’s little brother, I don’t see him a ton, but when I do he always likes to ask me questions.

 

 

The cutest little baby ever. Every time I hold her I just can’t get enough! Notice the drawn on eyebrows, very common on babies in Senegal!

Soxna Mai! She is hilarious because she never smiles, but when she does she is so adorable! And so tiny!

 

 

 

 

My host father and counterpart with my nephew Omar! That smile! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sainabou once more, I just can’t get enough of her! She is the tiniest little diva with a huge attitude! 

 

My Toma Khodia! Madam’s daughter and my cousin, we share the same name which can be very confusing at times!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Madam, Tee, Ali and I just hanging out under the mango tree!

 

Just taking some selfies with the rugrats!

I honestly have no idea who this kid is, but his mother sold me some fried dough and wanted me to take a picture of him. Those eyes!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now an unbelievably large collection of photos of one baby in particular, my nephew/child, and the cutest baby boy I have ever seen… Baby Omar! These photos will hopefully explain a bit about our relationship and how we feel about each other. ❤

 

So a parting note, probably more as a reminder to myself than anything..No mater what is going on in your life, you can find happiness and you can escape the cycle that people may try to put you in. Depression is real. I personally know this, as do millions of people around the world. The struggle is so real, and it can be very hard to break the cycle and find the happiness that you deserve, but it can be done if you look hard enough.After all, Albus Dumbledore said it best..

“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times,

if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

And yes..baby Omar is training for Hogwarts once he is old enough. (see hilarious photo above of baby Omar, wand in hand)

Beaches and Becoming a PCV

Part One – Beach Week! 

What better way to celebrate 10 weeks of intense training than to spend 3 days on a beautiful beach in West Africa? There is no better way. As you can see from the photo above, this beach was absolutely beautiful and it was a great place to recharge and get ready for my two years of service ahead. I don’t have a lot to say about beach week, but I would like to share a little bit about a moment I had on the beach on our last morning. After a couple days of fun, dancing, swimming, building sand castles, and watching the waves, I was in a perfect place to reflect on my life thus far, and think about the future. My life has already changed so much since I have been in Africa. There are days when all I want to do is go home, or at the very least talk to a friend from home. I’m not going to lie, this is very difficult for me. But as I stood on the far side of the beach watching the waves, I was reminded once more that I am here for a reason. I was called here, and not following through would be blatantly denying the calling that I have received.  So as I stood on the beach watching the water roll over my feat, I pulled out my phone and in one ear listened to the waves, and in the other ‘Oceans’ by Hillsong United. I know I looked ridiculous, and I’m sure the people in the beach house just 50 yards away could probably hear me singing, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter because that moment was just me and God standing together in awe of his creation. Where will I be in 2 years? How about 3? 5? I don’t know. But I do know that I can trust in the Lord to give me the strength and the courage I need to keep going.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander, and my faith will be made stronger, in the presence of my savior. – Oceans, Hillsong United

 

Proof that we were here.

Proof that Emily truly is fierce.

Part Two – Swear In

The first thing we did when we got back to the beach on Thursday night was find our Language teachers. We had not yet found out if we passed our final language tests, so we were all anxious to see how we did. I was pretty sure I had passed, but there is always that little bit of doubt when in situations like this. But, I Passed! I am officially at the Intermediate Mid level for Wolof. The rest of the night was spent packing, getting dinner, and celebrating our accomplishments.

The next morning we all got up very early to prepare for Swear In. We had to be dressed in Senegalese clothes ready to leave for Dakar by 7am. The bus ride was fun sitting with my friends that I would not see for a while after this. When we arrived in Dakar, we were arranged by sector and last name. The ceremony was interesting! Most of it was in french, but each speaker did any overview of their speech in English for those of us that don’t speak french. Four volunteers from our stage gave speeches in local language which was so cool to see. We gave our oath and officially became Peace Corps Volunteers! It was so exciting and went very quickly but we did it! The ceremony was followed by drinks and treats overlooking the ocean. It was truly lovely.

The next few hours were spent freaking out a little and saying goodbye to friends. I am now writing from my regional house in Kaolack where I will be spending a lot of my time when I am not at site. I am heading out tomorrow morning to start my two years of service in my village. I am excited to see what is next, and willing to take whatever is thrown at me.

These are just some of the friends I have made in this country. These people have gotten me through the last 70 days and I expect them to help me through the next 700! As always, Love from Senegal ❤